My Current State Of Mind.

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Dear stress… I think it’s time we break up! 

We’re not even a month into 2017, and I’m already finding it rougher than my entire 2016. I honestly couldn’t even try to find the words to describe how overwhelmed, and stressed out I have been. Where do I begin with trying to explain… I know that none of this is really relevant, but I figured this might be a  good place to try and vent.

Well it’s only January 19, and frankly I’m already so done with how 2017 is going.

My stress levels lately have been higher than they’ve ever been in my entire 22 years of existence. I’ve spent the last couple weeks feeling quite down, and in the dumps. It took until last night to realize that it could be Post Partum Depression setting in, or it could be me just being extremely overwhelmed. My daughter is 4 months old now, and she’s not only hit the sleep regression stage, she’s been putting us through the purple cry for the last 2.5-3 months now. So with me being so overwhelmed with all of that on it’s own, I’m not sleeping. I’m lucky if I get a total of 4 hours of sleep in one night. She has the tenancy to wake up every hour and a half or so, just because she can. She doesn’t feed every time she wakes up, she doesn’t need to be changed every time she wakes up… Sometimes she just wants to be awake to play. I love her more than words could EVER explain, but man do I ever need sleep.

My husband’s job consists of him travelling around Canada, digging up and disposing of old army munitions (UXO). He was in Ontario from October 2, to December 16th. He left when our daughter was only 13 days old.. That left me at home alone with not only a newborn, but our toddler as well. That right there is safe to say that I didn’t get much sleep for the entire 2.5 months that he was gone. Thankfully, he is currently only working 45 minutes away from where we live. But with that being said, he is staying in a hotel, because he’s working 12+ hour days and with the traffic getting home, he’d only get to be home for a few hours to sleep, before he’s heading back to work again. It might sound sappy to feel so lonely when he’s not that far away, but I really hate going to bed alone. I don’t do well in an empty bed. I watch all these romantic movies, with the husband and wife who are constantly together, constantly holding hands and kissing each-other, and it makes me miss my husband even more. We spend a majority of our time communicating via text message, and it makes me feel so distant from him. Every morning, and every night that he’s working I’ll get a “Good morning, Beautiful.” or a “Goodnight, Beautiful.” and as much as that makes me smile (every single time) all I want is that good morning/goodnight kiss. I want to be able to turn over and curl up against his chest. I’ve been battling with nightmares on and off for the last few weeks, and when I wake up from them all I want to do is wrap myself up in my husbands arms…. But I don’t get to do that nearly as often as I would like.

If that isn’t enough to make someone go mad, then this next one would certainly be the tipping point. — I may only be 22 years old, but there are many people in my life that I could never live without. Well two weeks ago, I found out that one of those people ended up in the ICU at the hospital due to a mass, and fluid, on his brain. I’ve known this man my entire life, and he’s been one of my biggest inspirations when it comes to my photography. He was the one to point out my eye for capturing photos. When I heard the news, I could instantly feel my heart sink into my stomach. I started thinking back to every wonderful memory I’ve shared with him, and it took everything in me not to break down into tears on the spot. I think the sleep deprivation helped with keeping the tears back until I was alone, and didn’t have anyone hovering over my shoulder. They were able to drain the fluids without any problems, so that they could get in and do a biopsy on said mass, and find out whether it was cancerous or not. Eight days passed before they were able to get the test results back… The good news? It was a benign tumor. There was no Cancer.  Even though that is wonderful news, it still shatters me knowing he’s going through all of this.. In 4 short days, he will be getting the mass removed, and he will begin his journey on recovering.  — I got to see him for the first time in just over a year and a half, and as happy as I was to be able to see him outside of a hospital, it shattered my heart seeing the shape that he was in.. He’s always been such an extremely happy man, and always smiling. I know he hurts, and I know that he’ll get back to the joyous man that I know he is.. It’s just a matter of time, and recovering. Not a single day goes by where I’m not thinking about him, and praying that he’s doing okay. He may not be blood related, but I’d honestly pick him over a lot of people, anyday. This is the first place that I’ve really spoken about it… So I’m feeling like quite a wreck right about now. I’m hoping to put together a wonderful goodies basket for after his surgery, to put a smile on that wonderful face of his..

Well, this has been my last 2.5 weeks… I keep getting told that I’m this strong woman, and that I can get through it, because that’s just who I am. But recently, I don’t feel strong whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’m constantly on the verge of breaking down. So I sit here, and I’m hoping and praying that I do get stronger, and that I will be able to fight these blues away..

Now.. It’s almost one o’clock in the morning, and I really should be getting to sleep. Hah, yeah right, I’ll probably lay here wide awake for a few more hours. BUT, It’s the effort that counts, am I right?

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